It's been a long time....

Geez, I almost forgot how to do this. I thought I would send out a little check in to let you all know where I am at in my journey. Since my scare from the ER to my last treatment on Valentine's Day, I have been living my life to the fullest. I no longer have to have magnesium transfusions and I am slowly regaining some what of a sense of normalcy. There are still times where I have subtle reminders of what I have been through the last 8 months. Every day my feet feel swollen, tingly, sometimes painful, and it messes my balance up at times. My hands feel the same, they call it Neuropathy and I don't like it. They tell me that it may not go away, but it is better than the alternative. All of this still seems unreal.
Today is my 34th birthday. In the past, when my birthday would come and go, I'd feel a little sadness because I didn't want to get any older for fear I'd lose my sense of humor, the fun, light heartedness, my passion, etc. Cancer totally rearranged my thoughts about that. Today, I embrace the fact that I am here to celebrate another year, or to celebrate that the last year is behind me. Matter of fact, from here on out I will be over joyed with another birthday as that is more life I get to experience. That's more time with my family, my friends, more snow to shovel, grass to mow, dog crap to pick up...you know all the little things in life. I certainly appreciate those little things more than ever before.
Driving home from work today, I found it very strange that Tim McGraw's song "Live Like You Were Dying" started playing. I haven't heard that song in a long time. It made me think about the night before when I looked at Angie and told her that I still get scared. As I put the car in park and just sat and listened to the words, the song hit home for the first time...... I want to ride a bull named Fu Man Chu, maybe that's just what I'll do. Some of you are probably thinking, is she serious and why in the heck would she want to do that? Oh, I am serious and I'll tell you why... because it's crazy, it's something more powerful than me, it's scary, it's something to defeat and the last bull I rode bucked me off in 4 seconds. As you have figured out, I don't like defeat and I don't like to be scared.
My Pastor has been teaching us about taking risks, his series on this topic really intrigues me. I think about his words when the thought of being scared runs through my head. God's got my back. So, even if Fu Man Chu bucked me off in .2 seconds and chases me with his long ol horns, I'm going to be ok.
The other part of the song that got me.... I certainly have a lot of love to give, but I am going to love deeper just so there is never a question from anyone in my life about how I feel or felt about them. That's one of my biggest fears, people not knowing.
I honestly do not have the words to really express how differently I look at life right now and I hope that never changes. This has been my life the past 8 months:

To end this blog, here's a letter:
Dear Stage 3b-4 Lung Cancer,
You suck. You scared me, my family and friends. You made me sick, tired and you made me question whether or not I could fight you. You could have killed me and came awfully close to doing so.You took away my smile as you can see from those pictures.  But, guess what, I had a birthday today and you didn't take that away from me, you never will and my smile.....it's back. So, tell your master nice try and that my master is way more powerful and there's not a damn thing he can do about it. Also, you can leave me alone now and leave my friends alone too, cuz they will beat the crap out of you as well. While you are at it, tell your other cohorts to leave my family and friends alone because your stupid cancer won't destroy any of us. Sooooooo, bite me.

Sincerely,
Your worst night mare!