A Year Ago

One year ago at 4 a.m. I was lying in my mom's bed with Angie on one side of me and my mom on the other. I couldn't sleep in my own bed at my own house because 18 hours before, I received a death sentence of Stage 4 Lung Cancer. As I prepared for Angie to leave that morning for work (and it was the last thing she wanted to do), I lost it. I couldn't imagine what was going through her mind after she left, I didn't even know what was going through my own mind. But what I do know is what I heard just the day before had finally hit me, I of all people, have cancer.
Yesterday, at 9:30 a.m. it had been exactly one year since that awful day. It is absolutely unbelievable what one year holds within it's months, days, hours and seconds. I was in a trap. I wrestled with the unknown, the fear, the hurt, the confusion and most importantly I wrestled with how do I stay strong for those that love me. Through the entire battle, it was never about me. Yes, I was the one who looked death in the face. I was the one laying on the cold tables having needles go in and out. I was the one who laid on the gurney trusting that the doctor would open me up and remove what was slowly killing me. I was the one who had a box inserted in my chest that was struck over 75 times through the whole process. I was the one who laid in that bed while posion was floating through my body. Posion that made my head and mind feel like they were taking a continuous ride on a roller coaster with the largest hills you've ever seen and loops that go upside down and sideways. Poison that made me question how much longer I could handle things and how much more my body could take without giving up. Posion that made me bed ridden, dehydrated and sick like I had the flu 100 times worse than the normal flu. Posion that would keep Angie awake a night just to make sure that I was doing ok and to rub my back when I couldn't leave the bathroom. Poison that put me in the emergency room with frozen limbs and electricity tingles going through my body on the verge of stopping my heart. POISON, that kept me alive.
On this, my "cancerversary" I have many mixed emotions. There are days where it seems my cancer didn't exsist and this was all just a bad dream. But, than I look in the mirror and see all the scars or I climb up the stairs and can't catch my breath. I can't even make it dancing through the whole song of Footloose any more. There are days when I wonder how long I will live. Sometimes I think what if....what if I only live until I am 50, what am I going to do until than? What if I hear those awful words again? After all, I will have that chance the rest of my life, however long that will be. There are days where I live so carefree and not think twice about anything, I just do it. Than there are moments when I am alone and it seems like my life passes before my eyes. I find myself asking, "what have you done?" What have I done with this life? Who have I impacted? Who have I helped? Who am I? Is it enough? If tomorrow is all I have, am I satisfied? Do the people who love me know exactly how much I love them back? Here are the answers to those questions........
I haven't done enough, but I don't know what to do and I know I will figure it out. I haven't impacted enough or helped enough people. I know that I am me....but that's about it. It is not enough and I am not satisfied. And those people who love me, they need to know more from me.
It is so crazy how cancer can change everything about you and your way of thinking. For me, it's a change for the good. Do I want to go through all of this again? H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS NO!!!!! But, it was me that God chose. He chooses a lot of people to suffer through this disease and some He decides to take with him and it's hard to understand why, but He needs them for something. I thank Him everyday that He's not quite ready for me and I surely hope He's not for a long, long, very long time. He has big plans for me, I wish I knew what they were. He's not done with me and I promise you that. He even told me himself yesterday morning as soon as I woke up. Look at this picture below and see if you agree that The Man is not done with me. If there ever was a non-believer....well.....

                                      (My bedroom door the morning of July 20, 2013. One year later after cancer                                                                              diagnosis)
You see, my battle was a test. It was a test of my faith and love. Because of this, my faith is stronger and so is my love and my determination to do something bigger and better with what is left. This was never about me. It was about Him and the people who love me. After all, that is who and what I LIVE for!!! In the words of an incredibly strong and inspirational woman, Robin Roberts..."When fear knocks on the door, let Faith open it."

May God bless you all for your continued love and support for me, Angie and my family. We could not have battled this hard without you all. I will continue the battle because of you!