Cry Baby......

     I never cried in church before but I did last week. Part of the reason was because we had a moment to remember the victims of the awful school shooting in Connecticut. News like that hits real close to home. That's my greatest fear as a principal and always has been. Just knowing that innocent little children were taken from this life due to evil hands really makes me sick and angry. I cried through the whole service. Pastor Steve was talking about how fearful tragedies like this makes us and he is right, at least he made me realize this. I kept whispering to Angie that I had no clue why I was crying, I never cry, but the tears just kept coming and the more I tried to hide them and wipe them the more they fell. I felt a little out of control once again, but this time it seemed like a more peaceful out of control. Pastor Steve struck me, he opened my eyes, he made me see that I am weak and afraid. So...what exactly am I afraid of? I answered that very question throughout the next week as I reflected on his lesson. Turns out, I am afraid of a lot and it's mostly things I can't control.
     First, I am afraid of the evil in this world. Second, I am afraid of my family being hurt in any way. Third, I am afraid that my life will end when I am not ready. I had plenty of other revelations through this week, but I will focus on these three for now. It seems like everyday there is some form of evil happening in this world and I wonder if it's only a matter of time before I witness it first hand. I know this may sound ridiculous, but I think I have experienced first hand with this cancer crap. However, a good friend of mine (who shares my name..Steph) taught me that the Satan loves the fact that I am afraid of the evil. Satan wants to know this and wants to see and hear my fear. The only way to NOT satisfy him is to keep the negative and frightful thoughts to myself, not say them out loud because it's the only way he can know. See us Steph's are incredibly smart and I am not as knowledgeable or religious as she, but she was right. I started keeping those thoughts and fears to myself and saying out loud "I hate you Satan" instead. It makes me feel better because in a way, I get off my chest how angry his actions make me. So, that's how I am dealing with number one.
     As for my second fear, I have so much love for my family and they have been through enough. I can't imagine how my parents feel knowing that one of their daughters is sick, how heartbreaking and I despise that. I always want to be the one to protect my family, try to protect them from sadness, take care of them,  and help them. In reality, they are doing that for me. I just can't express how much I love my family. I almost wish I could buy a hotel or a big warehouse so all my family could live under one roof. I never want them to be sad, hurt, or scared. This is something I can't control.
     My third fear is also something I can't control. Again, I am not overly religious, but this experience has without a doubt made me grow in my faith. I have always had a relationship with God, but it's been between me and Him and now it's so much more. I have decided that I need to appreciate everyday that comes my way and truly live. When it's my time, it's my time and there's nothing I can do about it. I give my life to Him and I can't spend any more precious time worrying about everything. So in the words of Tim McGraw....I'm going to live like I was dying. What do I live for? My family and my improved faith. 
     Tomorrow is treatment number 8, I will have more behind me than ahead of me. I wish I could say I was excited, but I am not quite there yet. It's hard to look past how awful I feel after these treatments, but the one thing I am grateful for is that I got to enjoy Christmas with my family and felt wonderful doing it. I may not feel so well over New Year's but I do know that this New Year will bring many blessings to us. Until next time........

1st Round, 2nd Round, 3rd....

1st round of treatment was a TKO (Total knockout for the non-boxing enthusiast), 2nd round was a KO (just a knockout). So that means the side effects in round two were slightly better than the first, I just regurgitated more. Today, actually last Thursday at this point (and now it's Tuesday of my off week). I had my 3rd round and it is yet to be determined. I feel like I am in a better mental state for now, I hope that continues.3rd Round could be the best one yet. I had very little nausea, but I also was on a pretty rigours routine with medications waking up all hours of the night, so I wouldn't miss one. I also had to get fluids, Friday, Saturday, and Monday and they gave me a shot of steroids somewhere along the lines. I will definitely take this round over being sick so many days. I did sleep most all weekend long. Sometimes this worries me because than I wonder if I am eating and drinking enough, but at this time, the more I can sleep these days away, maybe the faster they will go away. This brings me to how I feel right now, the day before a short treatment. Yikes....
I am back to that restless feeling. I would like to try to take a nap, a few days ago I couldn't stay awake. Now, I lay down for 5 minutes and I am wondering what to do. I have tried puzzles, coloring, playing video games, cleaning the house, the list goes on. Those activities seem to work for another 5 minutes, but than it's like I have to do something else. So, I will try and lay down again...nope. Siting and watching the time pass on the clock does me no good. Pacing back in forth from the kitchen to the living room just wares the floor out. It's hard being home by yourself when you are in this state. But, even when someone is with me, we don't talk much. Talking takes energy and because I can't lay and rest you would think I would have plenty of energy, but I really don't. The other thing that is getting to me this round it the more light headedness and blackout feelings I have been getting. I have made calls to the docs and nurses, because I go into tomorrow no one is too concerned about it. It's just part of the medicine. After tomorrow's treatment, I will be half way done. Some people say that's just right around the corner, I beg to differ. I am trying to keep that positive light lit, but this treatment stuff.....can kiss my a$$!
Turns out the lightheadness was me being dehydrated. My one hour treatment turned into a 3 hour treatment because I got even more fluids pumped in me, this made me sick. I got the lecture on how important it is to drink especially after treatments. This is something I know. I am not a big drinker on average. It is incredibly hard to drink anything when you aren't thirsty, you feel crappy, and you don't want to think about putting anything else in your body. Some people seem to think it's so easy, if it were, I would do it.
I am now trying to enjoy my off week and so far it's been somewhat difficult. I am now struggling with bottom issues which I will spare all details, but I will say one word....OUCH. This is going to be something I will have to deal with until the end of treatment and than will probably have to have it surgically repaired.
I feel like the last few posts have been somewhat negative and I apologize for that. I really try hard to stay positive,  but again, it's not easy. I still get scared sometimes. .....