I am thankful that my off week lands during Thanksgiving. Let me take this opportunity to share what I am most thankful for. First, I am thankful that this life challenge of mine is strengthening my faith, even though at times I feel like it's pulling me to question certain things. God always wins that battle because no matter what thoughts flow through my head I always circle back to, HE is in control. Second, I am extremely thankful for my family. There are no words to express how deeply I love all of them. Third, I also love all of my friends old and new. The ones that have always been there and the ones who are here now, supporting me and loving me through this. This would include my medical friends, my doctor and nurses. I could go on and on about what I am most thankful for, but for now, last but not least, I am thankful for Angie. This whole ride has been hard on her and she has taken such great care of me and that's not any easy thing to do.
I have completed my second round of treatment and have decided that for at least 10 days after, I am a completely different person. I am physically sick for most of those days, some of them being way worse than others. I also become mentally ill as well. The only thing I want to do during this time is curl up under a blanket and just lay there until it all passes. I slip into this funk and it really bothers me. I hate being sick and when the physical stuff passes, the mental stuff remains and I hate that too. Everyone tells me to think positive thoughts and to be grateful I have an end to my treatment. Indeed they are right, but it's really hard to think positive when you feel so crappy. I am grateful that I have an end because some people don't. However, that doesn't really make it any easier at the time. During my off week when I feel "normal" I can think positive and remember those that have to do treatment for the rest of their lives or those that treatment is just prolonging their precious life. During treatment weeks, it takes all I have to convince myself that this is worth it. Crazy, but true. So....how do I fight those evil thoughts and feelings when these drugs are attacking my good and bad cells and making me feel like the treatment itself is going to kill me? I dedicate my treatment weeks.
One of my co-workers, Val, suggested that I dedicate my treatment to a loved one. The second treatment was for my grandparents, who were actually sitting in my room with me during my 5 hour. At one point it was just me and my grandma. Gram looks at me and says, "I'm really sorry you have to go through this dolly. It hurts me really bad. It just really hurts" I look at her and tell her that I am sorry it's hurting her, but that everything is ok and I am going to be just fine! I try to convince her and myself that it's not so bad and it's a piece of cake for me. As long as she believed me. Sometimes Gram doesn't remember many things, but one thing she never forgets is that I am sick.
The hardest thing for me to fight against is my mental state. When I played softball and football, I thought I was one of the most mentally tough. Playing football, I taught myself to believe that I was better than the person in front of me. During the game, if an opponent knocked me down, I went on a mission to pay that back. I wouldn't let anyone beat me and if they did, I played twice as hard, hit twice as hard, and would be damned if I dropped the ball. Same thing in softball, that pitcher wasn't going to strike me out, catcher wasn't going to throw me out, and damn sure no one would score with me behind the plate. If at anytime I screwed up, I would make up for it. So, where did that mental toughness go when I need it the most?
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