How does one have so much support, yet still feel so alone? When I am home, I think. When I am at work, I think. When I am watching a movie, I think. At 1 in the morning, I think and it's awful lonely. I have so many people to talk to, so many people that love me, so many people that run through my mind when I am thinking. I bet you are telling yourself that Steph's problem, she thinks too much and you are probably right, but I can't stop thinking. Now, I bet you are asking yourself what the heck I am thinking so much about, or maybe your not. Maybe you are asking yourself why you are reading this while you could be watching The Ellen Show? Well, for those unfaithful followers of Ellen I will tell you what I think about.
I think, holy crap I have Cancer and I am missing a part of my lung, how did this happen? How did my life change so quickly and why am I feeling sorry for myself after all, I am still alive. But am I still alive? There are so many people worse off than me, but I feel like this Cancer is taking the life I used to live. My life now is so different. Instead of waking up and running to work, I wake up and wonder if I am going to feel good enough to get through a day of work. Instead of looking forward to hitting the sack to end a long but successful day, I dread the evening. The evening brings a new day and that new day is a day closer to my next treatment. You see I only have two major treatments left. To all of you, two seems like a piece of cake and close to the end of the road. To me, it seems like an eternity and waiting for these last two is way worse than anticipating the first two. I am sick and I am tired of being sick. It takes longer and longer for me to bounce back after treatment. The anxiety I have thinking about being sick makes me physically sick. But, again what am I complaining about, there is an end to my road! I guess this is just the place where I can get my thoughts out and not hear anyone tell me, "yeah, but Steph look where you started and how far you have come. You are almost done." I know all of this, but I am still the one who for 10 days + feels like absolute S@#&!
I also think about when I was going to Mayo all of those times. I remember my oncologist there told me that he would treat me with 8 to 12 treatments. 12 if my body could handle it, but 8 would probably do the trick. My doc in Des Moines said flat out 12. So, after I have completed 8, I now am thinking of asking my doc if it's really necessary to finish my last two treatments. My body is telling me one thing, my mind is telling me 1,000 different things. If I don't finish my last two, will my Cancer come back? Will it come back even if I finish? Can my body handle another two rounds? Are these last two treatments overkill and if I don't complete them will it be underkill? Will my legs always feel tingly and weak, will the ringing in my ears go away? What will my life be like when this is all said and done? Will I have to take all of these pills when I am done? I take more pills than my grandparents do put together. How does Angie put up with me? I am so different and a lot of times depressed....I take a pill for that. These questions go on and on all of the time.

  Yeah that's me the Thinker.
I have never been the one to quit, no matter how hard it gets. I haven't faced anything quite this hard. If I quit now, do I want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if? Will I wonder what if anyway? I guess we will see what happens next Thursday! What will happen Thursday.....see the thinking never ends.