The 1st Day of School.....

Let me take this blog space to share with you the greatness I have experienced since that July 20 day. I never really understood why I moved back to Iowa and left the mountains, well other than my family and Angie. Ok, I suppose they are all good enough reasons. Needless to say, I will never EVER again question this. When people started hearing my news, I was and still am being showered with love and support.
First, I will start with my boss. What an amazing woman she is. She was one of the first people after Angie, I talked to that day and she has been by my side ever since. There is no way I would be where I am today professionally and personally without her. She is the boss and she gets things done! She also introduced me to another wonderful woman whom I have mentioned, Kay. Kay has been through 4 cancers, including lung. She has been my go to gal. She really is an inspiration and calms me whenever I feel a little crazy. She too has been along with us on this ride. For someone who didn't know me or my family, she didn't hesitate to help us. Now that's a truly GREAT person.
Second, the Prairie-City and Monroe communities have been so generous. I receive numerable amounts of cards, gift cards, gifts, the list goes on. These people are the epitome of small town greatness. I almost can't find the words to describe how generous they have all been. I can't even express how grateful I am to all of them.
Third, my staff and colleagues. The schools had gathered gift cards and other gifts as well to give their support. Unbelievable! My middle school staff....truly amazing. To this day they have a basket of "Smiles for Steph" I am very honored to be their administrator.
Fourth, my students. I still can't get over the fact that they ALL actually want their principal at school. That 1st day of school, I planned to meet with all of my students and be this rough and tough principal, don't mess around in MY school, here are the rules that YOU WILL follow and DON'T show up in my office or you will be sorry. Yeah, well that attitude changed real quick, before I could even get a word out. Look at these pictures and than I will continue....

EVERY single one of my students and staff had on these shirts. I don't know who was in charge, but it was absolutely incredible. They also planned this photo op. All of the students and staff attempted to make a ribbon with me in the middle and than a picture was taken from the rooftop! I must have done something right. :)

I really have to mention my family and friends. I am blessed with the best family and friends anyone can have. They are the reason I am strong and they are the reason I will fight this and win! I love them all beyond words and I only hope they all know who I am talking about. It's not just me going through cancer, it's all of us. It's not easy, but being together makes it bearable. I feel that I am leaving so many people out, if I am I am sorry. The 28th is approaching........

And Megan says......

She tells me that the team of doctors and radiologists are a little confused and think it would be best to complete another liver biopsy, but this time at MAYO. So, no question we are transferring everything up to MAYO and they are the chosen ones' to get to take care of me. Hope they are ready because by this time I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and was ready to take this on. I refused to let Cancer win or get the best of me. So, Megan got me scheduled for the 2nd biopsy the day after we return from our vacation. I had decided that I was going to spend the rest of my vacation days taking in all of the mountain beauty I took advantage of when I lived in New Mexico. Angie and I also got to spend some really quality time with some of my best friends down there. It truly was one of the best weeks and as usual, I didn't want to leave, but this time the reasoning was slightly different. I was normal there, breathing was great and I felt wonderful. I guess I didn't want to leave and go back to reality, I somewhat knew what lie ahead. But, time doesn't stop and planes don't wait!
I tried to convince Angie to lets just take this convertible and run, just drive far away, but that didn't work out for me.
Mom and my nephew Brady were patiently waiting at the airport at 10:00 pm when we flew in. See, my mom had spent quite a bit of time with us in the last few weeks and I think she really missed us. As for my nephew, he is taking this cancer thing very hard. He doesn't want me to be sick, he even told me that nothing could happen to me because he needs me to watch him play football and watch him hit his first home run. Broke my heart! Don't worry buddy, I don't plan on going anywhere no matter what I have to go through.
They both stayed at my house that night because we had to get up at 5 the next morning to trek back up to MAYO. So, in my sister's van we go again. On this trip up I was mentally preparing for this liver biopsy. The first one, I felt the entire thing and it was very unpleasant and I didn't really want to do this again. But, I wasn't quite tired of needles yet, so what the heck. We show up at the appointment and I get in this cute little gown, get an IV in, and sit out in the waiting room with my entourage. Let me tell you how uncomfortable this setting is: I have a hospital gown on in a waiting room where people can observe, my sister has some of her kids, Angie's boys were along, my mom, dad, Jacque. The kids are walking around probably annoying people who are sitting waiting for who knows what, but maybe waiting for something pretty serious. And than there is Angie! I walk out and I see her with a pair of swimming goggles on her face and she mimes swimming herself over to me! All I could do was apologize to the people around me and pray that the doctor or nurse would come get me NOW. But, they didn't, I sat and waited for awhile. Not too soon, a nurse came to find me and took me back to the room where they got me all hooked up to an ultra sound machine. The poor nurse spent 30-45 min searching my liver. Turns out, she went to go get the "expert" and neither one of them could find my spot on the liver. My kidney was blocking it, so there was no way they could do the liver biopsy via ultra sound. So great....now what? Well, they didn't do the procedure that day and the doc said he needed to confer with the radiologist to see where we go from there. I can't lie.....I was pissed! The doc says we will let you know what time you can come in a do the biopsy tomorrow via CT Scan. Great....so to the lovely lady at the desk I said, I don't know if you know this, but I am a pretty big deal and I need to get this procedure done asap! She was awesome and totally picked up on my awesomeness and had the appointment made. I was going back tomorrow for the procedure. Instead of staying one night this time, we ended up staying 3!!!! FYI, don't forget this lovely lady. Her name is Kerry.
I went in the next morning for the biopsy finally, again I had to mentally prepare to get another prick and IV and than sit very still in the scanner. O not to mention that the nurses don't put you out, a little sedative they do give you, but you can feel every flipping thing. This one was worse than the first. I remember grabbing onto the nurses arm and wanting to punch the doctor with the other. Every time he told me to take a deep breath in, I was like DUDE, there's a needle through my liver, makes it hard to breath! CRAP. Finally it was over and my parents and Angie came back to see me in tears and clearly in pain. A few drops of blood dropped on my diaphragm, which shot tremendous pain up my arm and shoulders. It was literally like someone stabbing me in my liver over and over and than the repercussions ended up in my upper arm. It was than they gave me a little pain reliever. None the less, we got through it. We had to stay at MAYO that night just in case my lung were to collapse, it didn't. The next day, we load up and go on home to guess what????? More waiting.......for results. Couple days latter I will get to see a liver surgeon to hear what she thinks is happening based on this biopsy.
  Somewhere during these days or weeks, we did meet with the lung surgeon. I remember him walking in sort of in awe of how many people were in the room. I also think he was in awe that I was the patient.  We charmed him although he was a tough audience. He was very coy and serious, after all he is the head surgeon of all the surgeons at MAYO. I guess I was in pretty good hands! Anyway, he gave me the once over and he goes on about standard operating procedure. The "standard operating procedure" in a lung cancer case such as mine would be to not remove or treat anything because it will not prolong anything. So...there's that stupid word again, PROLONG! I wanted to yell at him and say, I AM NOT STANDARD! I am 33 years old, I can be the miracle survivor, just try me, give me a chance, just help me please! But, I didn't yell at him, I just kept listening. Low and behold, he told us that I am not the typical case and we can do surgery on August 22 or August 28. Hallelujah!! Thank you sir and I choose the 28th.
I honestly don't know what happened between that meeting and the 28th, but I will tell you I went to work for the first 3 days of school. In my next blog, I will tell you the most heart warming story about my first day of school for the 2012-2013 year.

Welcome to Mayo.

My entourage and I decided to make a weekend trip out of this nerve racking nightmare. So, in my sister's van we go: Jacque, mom, Angie, my boss Jane, me and if you didn't catch it, my sister was driving. My dad and my nephew, Brady were behind us. They were so sure they were going to get to do some "guy things" because us girls were planning on heading to the Mall of America. I was actually hoping to go with my dad! Turns out we all went to the Mall of America. My parents have been divorced for a ton of years, but somehow, this whole thing with me, brings them to a different relationship. They used to (a long time ago) really love each other, than they really disliked each other, hence the divorce. But, now they tolerate each other very well. They even buy each other meals and have a few beers together. What else would you expect to happen when your daughter is going through a pretty tough time?? I think it's kind of cute. Anyway, we had our fun at the mall and made it back to our hotel where my good friend Kay met us. The next morning, we get up and go meet a whole new set of fresh faced doctors. The first person we met was Megan (I can't spell her last name). She was the one who collected all of my scans and tests and loaded them into their system, told me the same old thing....Yup, that's lung cancer you got! Perfect..1 for 1. She mentions the spot on the liver and she doesn't seem to believe that my biopsy is accurate, but the radiologists were looking at everything. She than told me the names of some doctors I would see and meet. One would eventually be an oncologist and a lung surgeon. I asked her to set up the meetings with the doctors ASAP, I didn't want cancer in me any longer. I also let her know that, I am a pretty big deal. I wasn't kidding, she laughed, but it worked because she was on it.
Megan was awesome! She was bright and cheery, she didn't make things seem so hopeless. Later that day, she also told me to not have Des Moines do a 2nd liver biopsy quite yet. This really confused me. Why didn't she want them to do another, was that a good thing? Hmmm, well we did as she said and cancelled that appointment. She promised she would call me later in the week to let us know what the radiologists and the lung doctor says about all of my "stuff." I was a little worried about her being able to get a hold of me because Angie and I were taking off to New Mexico for a weeks vacation, to hopefully get lost in the mountains. A little tangent if you will: Angie and I didn't fund that vacation at all. Somehow my colleagues and friends gathered money for plane tickets, rental car, and a place to stay. Unbelievable right? It gets better. We had to switch planes in Dallas. I stop for a Starbucks and when my cup was up, the guy looks at me over a few others who were waiting, AND he says "you, must be Steph." What? How did he know who I was. The look on Angie's face was priceless. I think that's when she finally realized that indeed, I AM a pretty big deal. When we arrived in Albuquerque to get our rental car, the most sweetest lady was working there. She set us up with a convertible Camaro (which some people back home had suggested) and got us tickets to the Albuquerque Isotopes (comparable to Iowa Cubs). That flipping car was SAWEET! I've never drove through the mountains with my top down!!!
The little casita they found for us to stay in was the most adorable place, it was like a home. When we got to the casita, there was a surprise in the fridge. Beer, wine, and a gift certificate to The Range, one of the best places to eat around Albuquerque. Later that night, we went to the baseball game. That sweet lady from the car rental place, introduced us to one of the players she knew. He gave me an autograph baseball from Tommy Lasorda! I felt like a star, a big deal! That my friends is just beginning of the kindness people have shared with me.
We enjoyed the southwestern sunshine and on Wednesday, Megan called me to tell me what the radiologists and lung doctor found and what they think........

Roller Coaster Hill number 3?

My oncologist tells me he has my liver biopsy results back already. I want to say this is a Monday, but I can't be sure. I was really surprised that he was calling me. He told me that he normally doesn't do this, but he wanted to call and tell me that my biopsy came back "normal." I was really confused and by the sound of his voice, so was he. He said he wanted to give me a glimmer of hope, but to keep in mind that the doc could have missed the spot during the biopsy. My breathing could have made him miss or any slight movement. After we hung up, I shared the report with Angie. She too was surprised and confused. Neither one of us really believed that the spot wasn't cancer. I called my mom to tell her and from that report, she truly believed that spot WAS NOT cancer. Was it mother's intuition or a mom trying to convince herself that her daughter was going to live?
The days passed somehow and it was time for me to meet the liver surgeon. This was a big day for me and again I was a nervous wreck. My life literally was in the hands of both of these surgeons. I had my same support team, but it was only me and Rose in the room waiting for the surgeon. He walks in and greets me, I could barely understand him. I had to listen very closely, not sure where he was from, but he had a cool accent. He talked to me for what seemed to be forever, about my situation. He had a hard time understanding why a 33 year old non-smoker was in this position. Join the club bud! So, will you get the thing out of my liver or not? He didn't seem to answer that too quick either.
He was the first to give me a little physical. He had me lay down, but before I did, I pulled this little black book from my bra. No joke! Ever since I stayed at my mom's house the night I found out.....I needed to have something near my chest. So...mom gave me a little black bible, only the New Testament, but it did the trick. I also put a picture of my mom in that little Bible. In that pic, her hair was barely growing back from when she had chemo. It was and is my inspiration. Anyway, I've never seen a stranger look on someone's face as I did when I pulled that out.
He gave me a good feel and felt my lymph nodes. I guess things turned out alright because he sat me back up and gave me the news. He told me that he was perplexed that the liver biopsy came back the way it did. Clearly, that mass was active on the PT Scan. He was sure that they hit the right spot, but he was still unsure, so he wanted me to have another biopsy. YIKES! None the less, he did say he could get the mass out. Praise the Lord!
We walked out to meet with my support group and relief fell across the room, especially in my Mom and Angie. Angie and I were both still not convinced that the spot on my liver wasn't cancer, but my mom, she still was. So, another biopsy it is. But, first, we go to Minnesota to visit the doctors at the MAYO clinic. One of the best hospitals in the world. Let's see if they confer with Des Moines.

Excuse me? Doc!!

"Who is K... Langstraat?" I asked the surgeon. He looks at me and says, "that's not you?" Um, no sir. You have the last name right, but my first name is Steph! I believe he didn't review any of my stuff prior to my appointment with him. I don't know who this K... Langstraat is, but I immediately said a prayer for her. Things didn't look so good for her. He finally got the right person up on the screen. Again, I hear how this isn't a good situation, blah blah blah. All I wanted to say is no shit, I have cancer, is any cancer a good situation??? Just tell me....are you going to get this crap out of me or not? I already had it in my mind that I was going elsewhere no matter what this guy says. Turns out, he says that he will do it, if the liver surgeon agrees to remove the spot on my liver. Great, so now we have to wait some more to find out what our next step is. That's when I asked to speak to the surgeon alone. Everyone left the room. I told him how scared I was and how I had to live, not for me, but for all those people who just walked out. I also told him that I didn't care what he had to do, how much pain it would cost me, that he needed to help me. Of course, I shed a little tear! That must have helped, because he said that it would be no problem for him to remove that mass. However, things all rested with the liver surgeon.
Remember Rose, she was there that day too. She also got me hooked up with the liver dude and I also had to get set up for a liver biopsy, just for the heck of it. All the docs knew that spot on my liver was related to the lung cancer, but they thought it would be best to do a liver biopsy anyway. Sure why not! That liver biopsy SUCKED. My lung biopsy wasn't so bad because they put me completely out, didn't feel a thing. Well, I did get sick because they gave me 2 percocets on an empty stomach, but I'd take that over the pain I felt with the liver biopsy. I was awake through that whole thing. They gave me a little bit of anesthesia, but they needed me awake and aware so I could take deep breaths when they needed me too. I remember asking the nurse if I was supposed to feel everything, sure enough. When I took a deep breath, it felt like someone was stabbing me. Thank goodness that was over and guess what.....I had to wait days for results. It wasn't hard to wait this time because I had already prepared for the worst knowing it was cancer. That's when my oncologist called me a few days before I was supposed to find out results....

Time Moves Slowly........

It's now the morning after I'm told I have Stage 4 Lung Cancer. I am laying in Mom's bed crying harder than I have ever cried in my life. This was also the morning of the movie theater shooting in Colorado. The news was on and as I was trying to listen to this devastation, I stopped crying. I thought to myself that the innocent people in that shooting didn't have a chance to say good bye to loved ones nor did they even realize those were their last seconds. I had that opportunity and my heart stopped breaking for me and started breaking for those people. I gathered myself enough to shower and mom ran me into town to see my dad. I hadn't seen him for a few days, so when I finally did I gave him a hug and told him that I was scared. Never in my entire life have I ever heard my dad say, "I'm scared too, this isn't supposed to happen to my baby." I honestly have no idea how I got through the rest of that day. All I remember is laying back down at night still at mom's house and I needed that Bible I had the night before. Again, I placed it on my chest and again, I felt some sense of comfort.
The next day, Sunday, my sister came over to mom's because she was getting ready to leave on a cruise. I made her go on that cruise. She didn't want to leave, but she deserved to go and I wasn't going to die in a week, so she went. I had the pleasure of watching my two nephews for that week and thank goodness because they kept me busy and my mind off of things. But, that week ended and before I knew it, we were meeting with the lung surgeon. I was really nervous to meet with this guy because my oncologist said he would be the most difficult one to get to agree to remove the tumor. Generally, in cases such as mine they don't remove the tumors because it doesn't prolong anything. Also, generally speaking cases such as mine happen to 70/80 year olds, not 33 year olds and hearing the word prolong, really disturbed me. So, here we are waiting for the lung surgeon and I have an incredible amount of people there to support me from my boss, school board president, my aunt and uncle, a co-worker, my mom's best friend, and the list goes on. But, there is one person other than my family of course, that really made this ordeal easier. She has been through 4 cancers, one being lung. Talk about a miracle! She really guided us through everything.....
Back to the surgeon, he finally comes in and pulls up my scans and biopsy results. I never looked at my scans, quite frankly, I didn't want to see what my body was infected with. So, instead I turn and look at Angie, this was her first time looking as well and the look on her face really shocked and confused me. It was like she lost her best friend! I decided to turn and look at my scans and what I saw about dropped me. There were masses all over my body!!! But, that wasn't my body............

July 20, 2012 Continued........

Am I going to die? I asked the doctor before we left for the MRI. She just looks at me very cold and says, "I can't tell you you won't." My mind went into shock and my body started shaking uncontrollably. My mom held me in her arms and told me that everything was going to be ok. For some reason, I didn't believe her. The only other source of affection was the look on the other gal's face. One of the best things about the day, a gal named Rose (whom I will talk about later). Once I knew I wasn't dreaming, I made the hardest phone call I had to make that day. I called Angie, my best friend and the love of my life. She was at work and she knew right away that I wasn't going to tell her anything good. We ended our conversation and my heart was sick, not only because of the news, but because I wanted to be near her. But, first things first.
We left that awful doctor's office on our way for my MRI. I walked into yet another medical building and at the desk I see this woman wearing a bandana and I suddenly had a sense of peace come over me. It didn't last long, but she had this glow about her and all I could think about was, she has cancer. She seemed to know what I was there for because she immediately came around the desk and gave me a ginormous hug. She was amazing and the 2nd best part of that day as I look back now. She treated me like she's known me forever and shared her story with me while I waited. Her name is Joan. She is an angel. Finally, I was called back and the technician asked if I was from Newton. She recognized me from playing softball. Since she knew me, I asked if she would let me know if she saw anything on that screen. Legally, she couldn't, but I didn't care about legalities, I just wanted answers. After all, when would I get them, this is a FRIDAY!
That MRI was the longest moments of my life. She had me strapped down and my head clicked into this contraption. All I could do was pray to God that my brain was clear. The tech finally pulled me out, released me and told me she put a stat read so that I could hopefully have a peace of mind over the weekend. Was that her way of telling me that she didn't see anything suspicious?  It was 11:00 am by now and we had an apointment with the oncologist at 4:00. Let the waiting begin!
My best friend from college came to be with my mom and I and we tried going to get something to eat, but to no prevail. Angie and her sister showed up to be with us the rest of the day. We tried going to the mall to kill time, but our minds where only in one place.
4:00 came and quite a few people started showing up to be with us, it was incredible. I think I had about 9 people crammed into the room as we waited for the oncologist. I stood in the corner, I was the youngest one in that room. Rose was there (remember the gal from this morning), the doc finally came in astonished at the number of people. He was a young guy and he went on and on about the causes of lung cancer in a non smoker. Quite frankly, no one gave a shit! We just wanted to know if my brain was normal. He also says, well this isn't good. I felt doom, but he continued on. He confirmed the spot on the lung (which happened to be about the size of a golf ball) and the liver, but said nothing yet about the brain. Finally, mom asked, WHAT ABOUT HER HEAD? IS IT CLEAR? IS HER BRAIN CLEAR? He just looks at her and says non-chalantly, "yeah, didn't anyone tell you that?" Who the hell was supposed to tell us that? Wasn't he the doctor? Anyway, a huge relief came over my mom and a majority of people in the room, but not for me.
After nearly 3 hours in that office we finally went home. Well, Angie and I stayed at my mom's the next two nights. I laid down with a Bible on my chest, it gave me a little comfort, but I certainly didn't sleep. At 4 am, Angie and I crawled in bed with my mom. Weird, I know. Angie left for work at 7 that morning and that's when I lost it for the first time.

Day of my demise.

July 20, 2012: The day of my supposed demise. My life flashed before my eyes in one single instant. After a month of chest x-rays, CT scans, Ultra Sounds, and the infamous PT Scan....I was told, that spot on my lung was CANCER. The doctor walked into the room with another gal: should have been my 1st clue. She flat out, no sugar coat told my mom and I that indeed I have cancer AND there's a spot on my liver, which made it Stage 4, the worst! O and that I had to be rushed for an MRI to see if it had spread to my brain as that type of cancer usually spreads up. WHAT? Excuse me, back it up!
I am 33 years old, never smoked, haven't been exposed to 2nd hand smoke any more than anyone else, am healthy, and never sick...except back in May, I thought I had sinus infection. I went to my family doc after a couple of days, he listened to my lungs and treated me for bronchitis. I was wasted for a week, nothing seemed to help. Eventually, I felt good enough to return to my routine and a month later I decided to return to the doctor. I was tired ALL of the time, tight chested, short of breath at times and that just wasn't normal for me. THANK GOD I went back. My doc's physician's assistant (who may be my saving grace) finally took a chest x-ray, thought it may be pneumonia. She calls me, says radiologist doesn't seem to think that looks like pneumonia. So, I get set up for a CT Scan and every other test, a month later, July 20!
The look on my Mom's face was heartbreaking, it was the last thing I wanted her to here. After all, she is a breast cancer survivor, her husband the day before was supposed to have a procedure to remove lymph nodes from his neck because of tongue cancer, she was working to move my grandparents out of their house and into an apartment, she has lost a husband previously (the love of her life) in a car accident! REALLY, now she has to see her daughter go through this! Give her a break. Wait until you hear how the rest of July 20 went........